I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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