im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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