he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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