why didn't you poke me back
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
