I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
