I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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