If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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