I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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