Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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