I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
what the fuck happened to the tacos
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
