oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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