i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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