I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
