I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
