Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
