Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
bring money and cleavage
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
