It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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