I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
