dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
