Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
