The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
