My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
