Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize