Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
