Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
