I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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