she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
