Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Duck Duck Cougar?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
