I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
