He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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