I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
