he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
