I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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