i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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