I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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