I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
