I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
