A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
