the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Randomize
