everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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