Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Fuck appropriateness.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
