Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
