If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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