I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
