Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
