then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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