Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm like, not good at living.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
