i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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