hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
