Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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