Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
where are my eyebrows?
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