I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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